Spoiler alert! I shall scatter images throughout this story to show you where this family is now. Mike and Emily’s fight to have a family full of hardship -and ends(begins) with twins. I will let Emily tell it in her words…. Take it away mamma.

Unexplained infertility. What does that even mean? Nothing is medically “wrong,” yet we can’t stay pregnant?

Our diagnosis came after five years of trying to conceive. I felt my body was failing as a woman, as a wife, and as a person wanting to carry children in my body. After our diagnosis, I put my head into my hands and sobbed.

The "buts" reared their ugly heads- BUT, we had done everything “right.” BUT we married young and in love, BUT we wanted a family, BUT we had similar (lofty!) goals, an amazing support system. BUT we tried to be good humans, and honor one another as well as we knew how in the situations life threw at us... BUTs don't cut it, and as we learned, unexplained infertility accounts for 20% of infertility cases where the answer is often just "unknown," and can affect anyone anywhere...

Determined to "beat this," we did every ovulation test, every pregnancy test, quickly learned the in house brands, the cheaper duplicates. We tried the rhythm method, planning ovulation, my cycle, advice on what to do post love, how to love, what to eat, how to diet, abstaining from alcohol, caffeine, gluten, meat, whatever it was...we tried it.... and to no avail.

Each time I became pregnant, we lost that second blue line or smiley or plus or PREGNANT sign a couple days, weeks, or months later. Loss after loss after loss. Month after month of elation and dejection. I know it was difficult for Michael, as he was BORN to be a father. I fell into an abyss of self loathing and depression. I felt that Mike didn’t deserve a partner who couldn’t carry his babies, so I tried my best to push him away. Luckily for me, he’s a stubborn man, and wildly in love with me. I’ve called him my Superman during our almost twenty years together for different reasons, and he truly saved me through this dark time. I would be remiss to not give myself credit as well, because once I decided to invite his love and devotion, I became a much better person and partner.

Before one is diagnosed with infertility, there are tests to complete to rule out any issues. Mike's "sample" came back with ridiculously healthy numbers, so I had an HSG test that showed my tubes were not blocked or the problem. Next up, the docs decided I should try letrozole, a medication I would take for five days every cycle, which would help improve the uterine lining, as well as boost ovulation, should that be a factor. I felt this was a little funny, because before any tests, I'd had a transvaginal ultrasound performed to see if I was ovulating properly, and the docs found that I am a double ovulater, meaning I drop an egg from both sides when I have a cycle.

Desperate, and feeling like the time was ticking, I began taking letrozole that cycle. And nothing. Nine more cycles passed. And nothing. Two faint lines, only to disappear days after they teased us with possibility. One false-positive landed on Father’s Day. I was so excited, and gave Mike his first father's day card. We lost that line three days later.

Letrozole is a funny thing. It tricks your body into strange hormonal changes. Night sweats, hot flashes, nausea, bathroom sickness, and mood swings, along with headaches, are some of the side effects. Some months were physically exhausting, while others didn’t phase me as much.

Going into month seven (on Letrozole) our doctors at SRG infertility clinic suggested "Intrauterine insemination." I already had an Hysterosalpingography (hsg) test, so we knew the pathway to my uterus was clear and not blocked, so this seemed the next best option. Perhaps our bodies just didn’t seem to jive, so getting Mike’s sample into my uterus directly, would provide a quicker path to staying pregnant? $1700, zero insurance coverage, and two weeks later, a big fat negative. Month 11 at the clinic- let’s try again. Ok...wham bam thank you ma’am, and....nothing. Just another $1700 gone.

Frustrated, I went off the meds. We took a break in trying to conceive and told the clinic we were done. Then, I started hemorrhaging. I'd apparently been having an intense double ovulation cycle and the Doc said we should try for one last IUI even though I had been off the meds AND LEARNED I'D BEEN TAKING THEM INCORRECTLY. We went for it, and had the IUI on New Year's Eve.

New Year came and went, my sister went back to Europe (where she lives) and I was worried I was falling into depression because my whole body ached and all I wanted to do was stay in bed! I thought I had the FLU! Like, what!??? It was so far from my mind that I could be pregnant!

I even cancelled a work trip to California because I thought I was going to infect the whole plane with whatever this horrible thing was!

We’d had so many chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, two failed iui, almost $12k in tests, etc, and had our hopes up and down for almost a decade, so why would this be any different?

I mustered the courage to try a cheapie pregnancy test one evening, and it came back faintly positive. Thinking it was a fluke I threw it away. The next morning, I took another at home test, and it was positive. So because I’m me, and didn’t believe it, I took another NINE, and they were alllll positive!

I called Seattle Reproductive Medicine and they said, “can you get here in 20 min for a blood test!!??” My car seemed to actually fly from West Seattle to Bellevue! Blood work came back positive, but I would need to come back Monday to see if it was a viable pregnancy, and my levels were doubling... Monday my HCG levels went from 176-689!!! I thought that seemed great, but didn’t think much about twins- I’d read on "doctor google," that levels could jump to 1400 for twins, and I was far from that.

Unfortunately, OR fortunately for us, when we obtained results from the second blood test, it showed that my thyroid was not functioning. We learned from this miracle happenstance that when I would become pregnant, my thyroid would go into overdrive, and that possibly was the reason for almost a decade of miscarriages as a non-functioning thyroid cannibalizes the fetus' placenta.

Our first ultrasound would be in one week to see if we could detect a heartbeat. And on February second of twenty eighteen (2.2) we found out we were having TWO! It was divine and beautiful. Our babies tried to enter the world early at 28 weeks and then 33, but bed rest and a hospital stay left them "cooking" until 34 weeks to the day. After a gorgeous hospital birth on the night of a meteor shower, lunar eclipse, and a new moon, Kaia Diane and Beckett William changed our lives completely and fully for the best. Shout out to the team at Evergreen NICU for their care, compassion and love they showered on our whole family for our almost month long stay.

Dawndra was one of the first people to know I was pregnant. We did a photo shoot when I was just barely showing after being a long time fan of her work and spirit. We made a pact to document this journey through the months of pregnancy, to after the birth and on and we have not missed a date since. It's incredible to see the progression in not only the children but also in Michael and myself. A couple more lines, more twinkle to the eyes, bigger expansion of love and consciousness. As the children grow, so do we and I LOVE that we are capturing these moments and changes as a time capsule of what this lifetime is about for our little family. Dawndra, I love you, and love how you see us. I've said it before and I will always say it. You are the real deal and I love you beyond. To the next adventure!

I am so honored to be this families photographer. I do not have the words. Thank you Emily, Michael, Beckett and Kaia. You are a pure gift to this world.